Flower Girls: Ages, Duties, How Many and Thank-You Gift Ideas
29 June 2016
If you are planning to have flower girls at your wedding, there are a few things worth thinking about. How old should they be? How many can you have? What exactly are they supposed to do? And, perhaps most importantly, how do you persuade a four-year-old to walk down the aisle without changing her mind halfway?
We have put together this guide to answer those questions, along with a few practical tips and gift ideas from our experience at Born Gifted.
What is a flower girl?
A flower girl is a young girl who walks down the aisle ahead of the bride, usually carrying a posy or a basket of petals, as one of the junior attendants of the wedding party. She has no official duties. Her job is to get from the back of the room to the front, look sweet doing it and, if she is in the mood, scatter a few petals along the way. She is the female half of the youngest pair of helpers at a wedding; the boy’s version is the page boy, and we have a separate guide to page boys and ring bearers.
Nobody has to have a flower girl. Plenty of couples skip the children altogether, either because there are no suitable ones in the family or because they would rather not gamble on a three-year-old’s mood. But if there is a small niece, goddaughter or daughter who would love the job, she is often the part of the day the guests talk about afterwards.
Where do flower girls come from?
Flower girls have been part of wedding traditions for centuries, although their exact origins are a little difficult to pin down. In Roman times, young attendants are said to have carried wheat and herbs to symbolise fertility and prosperity. Later traditions included flowers and greenery to bring good luck to the newly married couple. By Victorian times the flower girl had become much more recognisable, often wearing a white dress and carrying a basket of flowers, a small version of the bride. That is also why flower girls traditionally wear white. These days the role is mostly ceremonial, but it is a lovely way to involve the younger members of the family.
How old should a flower girl be?
Any age the couple wants. The wedding books say three to eight, and that is the age most flower girls turn out to be, but it is a habit rather than a rule. We see every age, which is exactly why most of our flower girl jewellery is made in sizes from newborn to teenager. A one-year-old can be a flower girl carried down the aisle in a parent’s arms or on a bridesmaid’s hip; a twelve-year-old can be a flower girl too, though at that age she may prefer to be called a junior bridesmaid (more on that below).
As a rough guide from the weddings we have seen: under three, she will need a hand to hold and may well be carried; three to seven is the classic flower girl, old enough to walk on her own and young enough to find it thrilling; eight and over, she can be trusted with a proper job and might like a grander title.
How many flower girls can you have?
As many as you like. One or two is the most common, but if there are three nieces in the family it is a great deal easier to have three flower girls than to explain to two of them why they were left out. Royal weddings manage half a dozen or more. The only practical limit is the width of the aisle.
If you have more than one, share the duties so that each girl has something of her own: one carries the petals, one the posy, one holds the page boy’s hand. Walk them in pairs or in a line, and ask a bridesmaid to keep an eye on the back of the procession. If you are having several flower girls, you might also like to give each one a personalised thank-you present. Matching gifts with their individual names are a nice idea, although there is no reason they all have to receive the same thing.
Who to ask, and how
The flower girl is usually a niece, a goddaughter, a cousin, a close friend’s daughter or the couple’s own daughter. There is no etiquette beyond common sense: ask her parents before you ask her, make sure they are happy to be in charge of her on the day, and give them plenty of notice about the dress. If you have two possible candidates and only want one, think carefully, because the other family will notice.
Asking is a lovely moment in itself. A little card or a small present that says “Will you be my Flower Girl?” turns the question into an occasion she will remember, and it gives her something to show at school.
Flower girl, junior bridesmaid, bridesmaid or maid of honour?
Age and role, mostly. A flower girl is a child who walks ahead of the bride and has no duties beyond that. A junior bridesmaid is an older girl, in our experience usually somewhere between about nine and her mid-teens, who walks with the bridesmaids and may help with the small jobs, holding the bouquet during the vows or straightening the train. Bridesmaids are adults, or near enough. The maid of honour (the chief bridesmaid, in plainer English) is the bride’s right hand; she does not need to be married, whatever the old guides say, and if she is, some people call her the matron of honour instead.
None of this is binding. It is your wedding and you can call your attendants what you like. The one thing we would pass on from our customers is that a girl of eleven or twelve may love a personalised bracelet but feel she is a bit too grown up to be called a flower girl. The same gift with “Junior Bridesmaid” on it solves that at a stroke, and we sell plenty of them.
What does a flower girl do?
She walks down the aisle before the bride. That is the whole job, and everything else is decoration. The usual order today is flower girl and page boy first (often hand in hand, if you can persuade them), then the bridesmaids, then the bride, on her own or with whoever she has chosen to walk with her; some couples send the bridesmaids first and the children just ahead of the bride, so that the bride arrives to a cleared aisle and a scattering of petals. Either works. Agree the order at the rehearsal and tell the children where to stop, because left to themselves they will keep walking.
Once she reaches the front she sits down, ideally with her parents in the front pews or on an aisle seat where she can slip out if she needs to. She is not expected to stand through the vows or to hold anything, and nobody minds if she waves at her grandma. After the ceremony she is in the photographs, and at the reception she might hand round confetti, blow bubbles as the couple leave or carry a sign, but none of that is obligatory.
What does a flower girl carry?
A basket of petals is the classic, and a small posy to match the bridesmaids’ flowers is the other favourite. A floral hoop, a pomander (a ball of flowers on a ribbon) or a wand are pretty alternatives for a child who would rather hold something than throw it. Very small flower girls are often best with nothing at all, or with a single flower, because a basket is one more thing to drop.
Can she scatter petals?
Ask the church or venue before you promise her she can. Many only allow dried or biodegradable petals, some only outside, and rice is rarely welcome anywhere these days. If petals are out, bubbles are a good substitute and a lot of fun for a four-year-old. If they are in, give her a basket she can reach into easily and show her the idea beforehand; otherwise she will either tip the whole lot out at the door or carry them lovingly to the front and hand them to the vicar.
Where does the flower girl sit?
With her parents, both in the ceremony and at the reception. The top table is for the couple, their parents and the adult attendants; a junior bridesmaid is sometimes seated with the bridesmaids, but a flower girl of five is happier on a family table or a children’s table with somebody she knows and a plate she will eat.
What should a flower girl wear, and who pays for the dress?
Tradition says white or ivory, so she looks like a small version of the bride, and most brides still go that way, often with a sash or flowers in the colour of the bridesmaids’ dresses. It is not a rule. A flower girl in the bridesmaids’ colour, or in a party dress she already owns and loves, is just as proper. What matters more than the colour is that she can move in it, that the shoes have been worn in before the day, and that there is a cardigan for a cold church.
Traditionally the flower girl’s parents often pay for her outfit, although plenty of couples choose to cover the cost themselves, particularly if they want her to wear a specific dress. There is no hard and fast rule, so it is best to agree who is paying before anyone goes shopping.
Getting her ready for the day
Bring her to the rehearsal if there is one, and if there is not, walk her through it in the empty church or room beforehand: where she starts, where she stops, who she sits with. Tell her what will happen in words a child understands (“you walk to Auntie Sarah, then you sit with Mummy”). Put somebody she loves at the front for her to walk towards, and let her parents sit where she can see them.
Then accept that she may not stick to the script. Flower girls stop halfway, turn round, sit on the floor or refuse to go at all, and every wedding guest has seen it and smiled. If she will not walk, a bridesmaid can carry her, her mum can walk her down, or she can simply sit this bit out and join in for the photographs. It is not a disaster, and the less fuss made the sooner she recovers.
Keeping her happy through a long day
The ceremony is the easy part. The hard part is the five or six hours between the confetti and bedtime, most of them spent waiting: for the photographs, for the meal, for the speeches, for the dancing. A bored four-year-old becomes a loud four-year-old with impressive speed, so plan for it. A personalised wedding activity book in her bag covers the speeches; a few crayons, a snack and a quiet corner cover the rest; and a named grown-up, not the bride, needs to be in charge of her.
Give your flower girl an important job
Here is something we have actually tried ourselves, rather than read somewhere. Once the ceremony is over, give an older flower girl a disposable camera and ask her whether she would mind taking on a very important job: photographing the wedding from her own point of view. Tell her you want pictures of the guests, the cake, the flowers, anything she thinks is interesting. It makes her feel involved, and with a bit of luck it will keep her occupied for a while too. When the film comes back, you may find that some of her pictures are the funniest of the day. Pick a camera suited to her age, check that her parents are happy, and respect any rules the venue has about photographs.
Thank-you gifts for flower girls
This is the part we know best. It is nearly always the bride who chooses and buys the flower girl’s present, even when the card says it is from both of you, and wedding customers are among the most organised we have: most order weeks ahead, leaving nothing to chance. (A few leave it to the last week, and for them some of our products can be made and sent faster; check the delivery details on the product page.) We have also noticed that wedding customers do not seem quite as price-conscious as people shopping for some other occasions. Even when money is tight, they are often happy to spend a little more to get the present they really want. As a gift retailer, we are certainly not complaining!
Personalised jewellery outsells everything else for flower girls, and by some distance. The reason is simple: a personalised name bracelet can be worn on the day as part of the outfit and then kept and worn again afterwards, so it is a present and a keepsake at once. Ours is handmade here in the UK, with her first name spelled out in pewter letter beads, and it comes in several sizes, with options for older children and teenagers. For very young flower girls, jewellery is better treated as a keepsake for when they are older rather than something to wear on the day. Jewellery boxes and trinket boxes are the other favourite, somewhere to keep the bracelet and the rest of her treasures.
For younger flower girls it is a different story. Personalised teddy bears, dolls and books are popular choices, particularly for children who are not quite ready for jewellery. Our personalised pink bow flower girl teddy is a lovely example for children aged three and over; always check the age recommendation before buying for a very young flower girl. One oddity we have never explained: sweet jars, which sell steadily for page boys, sell much less well for flower girls. Make of that what you will.
Junior bridesmaids get the same gifts with different words on them, and the words matter to a girl of twelve. Matching pairs for a flower girl and page boy do happen (we sell a bunny soft toy that can be either), but more often the two are treated separately: she gets jewellery, he gets an engraved watch. There is nothing wrong with matching, but we would rather each child had something she or he will actually enjoy than a pair that looks neat in the photographs. You will find all of these among our personalised flower girl gifts.
What to have engraved
“Thank you for being our Flower Girl” is the message nearly everyone chooses, followed by her name and the date of the wedding if there is room. Keep it short: a small bracelet or the lid of a trinket box does not have space for a paragraph, and the simpler messages look best. We are occasionally asked whether it should be “Flower Girl” or “Flowergirl”. Both are used, but we prefer the two-word version, which is the more familiar spelling (and the one we would risk on a Scrabble board). Two more bits of advice from the engraving side: many personalised gifts use a script or decorative lettering that does not look its best in capitals, so follow the product’s instructions on capitalisation, and read the name and the date back before you order. A misspelt name on a bracelet is not easily put right.
When to give it
If the present is something she will wear on the day, such as a bracelet or a necklace, it makes sense to give it to her before the ceremony, provided it is suitable for her age. Other presents can be given whenever suits the family, perhaps at the reception or after the wedding. There is no set rule, and a few words of thanks will always be appreciated.
And if your flower girl changes her mind at the last minute and refuses to walk down the aisle, do not worry. It is a wedding, not a military operation. Just enjoy the day!